Where I am in "trial mode"

Couldn't quite get any richer than this - - - or maybe it can but I don't want to know.

Husband surprises me Saturday night with a big long speech about how sorry he is for all that has happened, how very much he loves and respects me for A, B, C, D, E, F, etc.  You get the picture.  We need to pray together.  We need to work together.  We need to be friends.  We shake hands even.  I'm thinking this is a new leaf.  Some heartfelt thinking has led to some inner revelations and things can start to mend.  Lovely .   .   .   .   with trepidations.

One of the things he says I need to work on is talking to him, sharing my thoughts, opinions, and so on.  So, after he makes some broad hints about taking a shower, going to bed, I approach him to tell him that I would like to not have s*x tonight.  I'm accused of exaggerating how often we have s*x.  He says I need to work on my hangups.  I explain to him, again, the reason our s*x life is difficult for me.  He glosses over my reasons and gives me his reasons (for me).  I tell him he isn't right and he tells me that we aren't talking about me but about him, and I need to stop arguing with him.  This conversation goes on for several, several more agonizing minutes until finally I am a mess of tears and confusion and decide to cave in on the s*x issue.  He accuses me of dramatics and takes his pillows to sleep in the den. 

So much for working together and being friends.

Today started out slowly, and not well.  I went to greet him when I got up with a hug, kiss, and smile, then I went to complete my sunday school lesson before it was time to wake up the children.  Not much contact until after church, lunch, some study time and then a refreshing nap alone for me.  After making a point of being with him (he never leaves the den during the day except to visit the kitchen or the bathroom) and talking about some things, trying to be lighthearted and playful, he wants to brush my hair.  then starts to tell me how beautiful I am.  I already know where this is going.

we do.

Afterward, I go to give him a kiss goodnight, and are you coming to bed?

No.  Nothing has changed.  We had a nice evening, the s*x was nice, but nothing has changed (I haven't changed) and so he will continue to live and sleep in the den until .  .  . 

Fine. Nice.  I'm good enough to sleep with but not good enough to actually sleep with.

Busy day is ahead tomorrow so I head to bed.  (writing this post)

He sees me still awake, wants to snuggle up and have s*x again.  I say no and with a pat on the shoulder, he gets up and says, as he is leaving the room, I see we are going to use s*x as a weapon.

I'm the one who is wrong.
I'm the one who misunderstands.
I'm the one who thinks I'm flawless and don't need to change.
I'm the one who thinks evil of him and won't even try to understand him.
I'm the one who doesn't know how to deal with the truth.
I'm the one who is confused because I won't step outside of my little bubble to understand him and his thoughts.
I'm the one who won't stop thinking about myself and start thinking about HIM!

I can absolutely see how someone could literally go crazy under these conditions.  Nothing you think is ever right and any rock or truth you try to hold on to is turned against you until you doubt the fact that one plus one really is two.