Couldn't quite get any richer than this - - - or maybe it can but I don't want to know.
Husband surprises me Saturday night with a big long speech about how sorry he is for all that has happened, how very much he loves and respects me for A, B, C, D, E, F, etc. You get the picture. We need to pray together. We need to work together. We need to be friends. We shake hands even. I'm thinking this is a new leaf. Some heartfelt thinking has led to some inner revelations and things can start to mend. Lovely . . . . with trepidations.
One of the things he says I need to work on is talking to him, sharing my thoughts, opinions, and so on. So, after he makes some broad hints about taking a shower, going to bed, I approach him to tell him that I would like to not have s*x tonight. I'm accused of exaggerating how often we have s*x. He says I need to work on my hangups. I explain to him, again, the reason our s*x life is difficult for me. He glosses over my reasons and gives me his reasons (for me). I tell him he isn't right and he tells me that we aren't talking about me but about him, and I need to stop arguing with him. This conversation goes on for several, several more agonizing minutes until finally I am a mess of tears and confusion and decide to cave in on the s*x issue. He accuses me of dramatics and takes his pillows to sleep in the den.
So much for working together and being friends.
Today started out slowly, and not well. I went to greet him when I got up with a hug, kiss, and smile, then I went to complete my sunday school lesson before it was time to wake up the children. Not much contact until after church, lunch, some study time and then a refreshing nap alone for me. After making a point of being with him (he never leaves the den during the day except to visit the kitchen or the bathroom) and talking about some things, trying to be lighthearted and playful, he wants to brush my hair. then starts to tell me how beautiful I am. I already know where this is going.
we do.
Afterward, I go to give him a kiss goodnight, and are you coming to bed?
No. Nothing has changed. We had a nice evening, the s*x was nice, but nothing has changed (I haven't changed) and so he will continue to live and sleep in the den until . . .
Fine. Nice. I'm good enough to sleep with but not good enough to actually sleep with.
Busy day is ahead tomorrow so I head to bed. (writing this post)
He sees me still awake, wants to snuggle up and have s*x again. I say no and with a pat on the shoulder, he gets up and says, as he is leaving the room, I see we are going to use s*x as a weapon.
I'm the one who is wrong.
I'm the one who misunderstands.
I'm the one who thinks I'm flawless and don't need to change.
I'm the one who thinks evil of him and won't even try to understand him.
I'm the one who doesn't know how to deal with the truth.
I'm the one who is confused because I won't step outside of my little bubble to understand him and his thoughts.
I'm the one who won't stop thinking about myself and start thinking about HIM!
I can absolutely see how someone could literally go crazy under these conditions. Nothing you think is ever right and any rock or truth you try to hold on to is turned against you until you doubt the fact that one plus one really is two.
Sunday, August 12, 2012
Friday, August 10, 2012
Tonight my husband threatened to divorce me. Not just divorce me, but sell our home, leave me with as little as possible, and that he would go to jail rather than pay me alimony.
We don't fit the image I had of an emotionally abusive relationship.
We've been married for 20+ years and have three children, all teenagers right now. I was/am the very conservative traditional stay at home wife and mother, homeschooling our children. Oldest is heading off to college this year. Things haven't always been like this, but I don't quite know how/when it morphed into the abusive state we are in now. My situation has grown increasingly stressful since my husband retired and is now home all the time. I have no escape, no silent place to think my thoughts.
I was driven to research emotional abuse after a particularly intense few days where he was hounding me every spare minute to "talk" about what I planned to do to show him more love. I was to the point of feeling brainwashed - not able to have a thought that wasn't directed or controlled by him. My on-line research was quite eye-opening. If there were 20 characteristics of an emotionally abusive relationship, then we had 18 of them. Wow. And the descriptions really hit home. "You cannot argue logically with an unreasonable person." "Abuse most often exists because the emotional weaknesses of the abuser demand the exercise of control or torment of others . . . Abuse really starts because of insecurity or trust issues with the abuser." "Remember, you are dealing with tragic self-centeredness of unfathomable depth and complexity." " . . a closed system of logic which allows no input or criticism."
So, once again we were having a discussion. He commented on how I never talk, never voice my opinion. I'm a listener. He thinks I have something to hide. He thinks I'm having an affair. I tell him what I feel he expects of me - to follow him all day long asking how can I help you? and what can I do for you? living his life and not my own. He calls me a feminist (I am a born-again Christian and know well the Lord's commands for the wife to be a helper to her husband. I also know of the husband's responsibilities to love and sacrifice for his wife as the weaker vessel, and to build her up in the faith.) I ask him if he is willing to accept me as I am. That apparently was the straw that broke the camel's back. I'm unchangeable. He now has grounds for a divorce on the basis of irreconcilable differences. Nothing else to say, he will file the divorce papers himself, sell our new home (which we own free and clear), split the money with me because he has too, and give me child support for the next few years. but no alimony (see above).
We've been through this before. I actually have lost track of the number of times he has threatened to leave, sell my home, leave me to my own devices, etc., etc. The first several times I was heartbroken. Crying. Please don't. How could you? Please - please. Thankfully, for my own sanity and the stability of my children, the Lord opened my eyes to the fact that he was saying those things to get a reaction out of me - leverage if you will - and thereby gain a little more power for himself when negotiating the terms of surrender/reconciliation. Now, armed with the info from the articles I've read, I recognize that he is feeling powerless, unable to argue his way out, and so needs to make this grand threat to regain his superior position.
What do I do? I can't react because that will only feed his power need. I can't argue because you can't argue with someone who isn't reasonable. I don't want to leave him alone to stew in his own thoughts because they might carry him away to actually follow through on his threat. I don't want him to be in a position where he has painted himself into a corner and the only way out is to actually file for divorce. So I sat. I prayed. I said nothing. He got up, I followed him. Is there anything I can help you with? He sat down, I sat down. He went outside, I went outside. He sat and stared at the stars, I sat and stared at the stars. He leans over to kiss me and tells me how much he loves touching my skin. He went inside to go to bed, I went inside to go to bed - except he wasn't going to bed. He'll sleep in the den tonight, he said. Okay. I sat down in the den, too.
He starts talking - which means we're on the road back to "normal", whatever that is. What are you going to do to show your love for me? (a very popular topic of discussion between us) I can be more affectionate and hug and kiss you more often. That's a good start he says. He'll try to be less critical and suspicious of me. We agree to pray together (his way of gaining my instant obedience - he thinks - is to mention anything about God or the Bible. It doesn't work because he has no personal relationship with Christ, only a tradition of church-going as a child and some memorized scripture, but I was naive enough to believe him when we first met and started getting serious.) and work towards a more open relationship with each other. Oh, and he wants me to stop telling my friends that I love them. It's inappropriate. He doesn't tell his friends that he loves them. And my statement about him wanting me to not have any friends is just ridiculous! So I'll put him first, right? Forsaking ALL others, right?
So what happens next is so predictable I could cry. After threatening my home and security and the home and security of my children, he wants to have sex. And he wants me to pretend like I like it. Oh, he loves me so much, dirty talk about all the things he'd like to do to me, but all I can think of is his selfishness for threatening our world and then not an hour later 'let's have hot sex, baby.'
The articles I read said that it is important for the subject of abuse to be able to have their own thoughts, a safe place to have a voice. I have chosen this as my voice.
We don't fit the image I had of an emotionally abusive relationship.
We've been married for 20+ years and have three children, all teenagers right now. I was/am the very conservative traditional stay at home wife and mother, homeschooling our children. Oldest is heading off to college this year. Things haven't always been like this, but I don't quite know how/when it morphed into the abusive state we are in now. My situation has grown increasingly stressful since my husband retired and is now home all the time. I have no escape, no silent place to think my thoughts.
I was driven to research emotional abuse after a particularly intense few days where he was hounding me every spare minute to "talk" about what I planned to do to show him more love. I was to the point of feeling brainwashed - not able to have a thought that wasn't directed or controlled by him. My on-line research was quite eye-opening. If there were 20 characteristics of an emotionally abusive relationship, then we had 18 of them. Wow. And the descriptions really hit home. "You cannot argue logically with an unreasonable person." "Abuse most often exists because the emotional weaknesses of the abuser demand the exercise of control or torment of others . . . Abuse really starts because of insecurity or trust issues with the abuser." "Remember, you are dealing with tragic self-centeredness of unfathomable depth and complexity." " . . a closed system of logic which allows no input or criticism."
So, once again we were having a discussion. He commented on how I never talk, never voice my opinion. I'm a listener. He thinks I have something to hide. He thinks I'm having an affair. I tell him what I feel he expects of me - to follow him all day long asking how can I help you? and what can I do for you? living his life and not my own. He calls me a feminist (I am a born-again Christian and know well the Lord's commands for the wife to be a helper to her husband. I also know of the husband's responsibilities to love and sacrifice for his wife as the weaker vessel, and to build her up in the faith.) I ask him if he is willing to accept me as I am. That apparently was the straw that broke the camel's back. I'm unchangeable. He now has grounds for a divorce on the basis of irreconcilable differences. Nothing else to say, he will file the divorce papers himself, sell our new home (which we own free and clear), split the money with me because he has too, and give me child support for the next few years. but no alimony (see above).
We've been through this before. I actually have lost track of the number of times he has threatened to leave, sell my home, leave me to my own devices, etc., etc. The first several times I was heartbroken. Crying. Please don't. How could you? Please - please. Thankfully, for my own sanity and the stability of my children, the Lord opened my eyes to the fact that he was saying those things to get a reaction out of me - leverage if you will - and thereby gain a little more power for himself when negotiating the terms of surrender/reconciliation. Now, armed with the info from the articles I've read, I recognize that he is feeling powerless, unable to argue his way out, and so needs to make this grand threat to regain his superior position.
What do I do? I can't react because that will only feed his power need. I can't argue because you can't argue with someone who isn't reasonable. I don't want to leave him alone to stew in his own thoughts because they might carry him away to actually follow through on his threat. I don't want him to be in a position where he has painted himself into a corner and the only way out is to actually file for divorce. So I sat. I prayed. I said nothing. He got up, I followed him. Is there anything I can help you with? He sat down, I sat down. He went outside, I went outside. He sat and stared at the stars, I sat and stared at the stars. He leans over to kiss me and tells me how much he loves touching my skin. He went inside to go to bed, I went inside to go to bed - except he wasn't going to bed. He'll sleep in the den tonight, he said. Okay. I sat down in the den, too.
He starts talking - which means we're on the road back to "normal", whatever that is. What are you going to do to show your love for me? (a very popular topic of discussion between us) I can be more affectionate and hug and kiss you more often. That's a good start he says. He'll try to be less critical and suspicious of me. We agree to pray together (his way of gaining my instant obedience - he thinks - is to mention anything about God or the Bible. It doesn't work because he has no personal relationship with Christ, only a tradition of church-going as a child and some memorized scripture, but I was naive enough to believe him when we first met and started getting serious.) and work towards a more open relationship with each other. Oh, and he wants me to stop telling my friends that I love them. It's inappropriate. He doesn't tell his friends that he loves them. And my statement about him wanting me to not have any friends is just ridiculous! So I'll put him first, right? Forsaking ALL others, right?
So what happens next is so predictable I could cry. After threatening my home and security and the home and security of my children, he wants to have sex. And he wants me to pretend like I like it. Oh, he loves me so much, dirty talk about all the things he'd like to do to me, but all I can think of is his selfishness for threatening our world and then not an hour later 'let's have hot sex, baby.'
The articles I read said that it is important for the subject of abuse to be able to have their own thoughts, a safe place to have a voice. I have chosen this as my voice.
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